A letter to the lovely folks that sat behind us at the hockey game:
I'd love to start this off by saying "wow, what a game!", but I"m sensitive enough to realize that, as fans of the opposing team, you didn't have such a hot hockey experience. Quite the butt-whooping that went down, huh? But, as one of your party drunkenly exclaimed at least nine times during the last period YOU ARE STILL IN FIRST. So there's that.
I hope you enjoyed your stay in our lovely city. From the sounds of it, you had quite a few things you wanted to do besides the game. In fact, you shared SO MUCH with me during the course of the game that I just couldn't help but feel invested in your lives. If I hadn't been hanging out with my eight-year-old son I could have just jumped right into your conversation and provided new, in depth analysis. Because while you were talking (loudly) in your little groups, I was getting to hear EVERY single conversation... and I think I really could have helped y'all out. It would have been the good thing to do, even, to reach out to you road-weary travelers and lend a conversational hand.
For example, Kim... Oh Kim. You seemed awfully excited to tell Pam about how things are going with Charlie. I'm really glad Charlie is finally getting his balls back... must have been terrifying for him to lose them. Oh, wait, no, Charlie is just starting to MAN up and treat you like a woman again, I get it now. It's been so hard on you while he's been working so hard and just, like, totally not wanting to get freaky during the day OR EVEN AT NIGHT. You have needs... we all understand this now. ALL of us. But hey, tonight Charlie took your panties and hid them so you'd have to go commando to the game and OH MY GOD HE IS BACK!
Except... while you were gone (hopefully working to avoid chafing in those jeans... ouch) Charlie was telling someone he would only call "Bro" that you were "sucking (him) dry... and not like I want it, Bro! Know what I'm sayin???" Trust me, Charlie... WE ALL KNEW WHAT YOU WERE SAYIN. You, Kim, are apparently wearing poor Charlie down to his last nerve and his last dollar. HE wanted to stay at a more reasonable hotel... but NO NO... KIM NEEDS THE HILTON. Kim wanted to go somewhere "nice" for lunch, Kim wanted a cute little rink bunny shirt for the game, KIM HAD THE FREAKING AUDACITY TO WANT TO A BEER FROM THE CONCESSION STAND!!!!!! "Look at this! Dude, I didn't spend this much on booze on New Years, Bro!" (SO beer was either REALLY expensive at the game or Charlie buys really cheap shit for his New Years parties). Charlie just can't do it anymore Kim... and he KNOWS you're going to want to go out for dinner after the game and HE CANT EVEN USE HIS NOODLES COUPON THAT JUST DROPPED FROM THE RAFTERS.
And Kim's probably going to be so chafed from those painted on jeans he's not even going to get any... AT NIGHT OR OTHERWISE.
It wasn't all about Kim and Charlie, though... Greg is trying to convince Pam to fly out to Denver so they can try recreational weed together. Pam, on the other hand, wants no part in it... she's a little worried about her "license or whatever...." Apparently things just AREN'T the same since they got married and Pam finished school. "Where's the adventure?" (The adventure was in your suitcase, big Greg.... Pam finally got the nerve to act on her Christian Grey addiction... you can't do THAT stoned, my friend. Well, others may, but according to Pam YOU specifically CAN NOT.
Meanwhile poor "Bro" can't get a word in edgewise, and Cindy? Cindy down on the end? Would someone PLEASE talk to her before she drinks another margarita and yell-slurs "USE THAT STICK!" again? Please?
I think about all of the misunderstandings and miscommunication I could have cleared up if I'd just followed my heart and stepped into your conversations. You were putting it out there... OBVIOUSLY you were searching for guidance. But alas, I instead spent my time distracting my 8 year old and mentally counting how many times Charlie could say "fuck" during the break after the second period (I counted 42, but I know I missed a few). So let me use this public forum to say this: Kim, Charlie- I suggest sitting down and having a good heart to heart. You guys obviously aren't on the same page... I'm not even sure you're in the same library. Kim, I suggest Groupon... Charlie seems like a real coupon and savings kinda guy.Also, corn starch. Greg, Pam... I, uh... hope it worked out and that the "adventure" is back. Bro- you have the patience of a saint. Someone get Cindy a friend. And Charlie... please buy better booze for your next party. Frugality has a time and place...
And next time? Consider talking a little freaking quieter. Not everyone needs to know the exact status of your douche canoe.
Love-
TPM.
I'd love to start this off by saying "wow, what a game!", but I"m sensitive enough to realize that, as fans of the opposing team, you didn't have such a hot hockey experience. Quite the butt-whooping that went down, huh? But, as one of your party drunkenly exclaimed at least nine times during the last period YOU ARE STILL IN FIRST. So there's that.
I hope you enjoyed your stay in our lovely city. From the sounds of it, you had quite a few things you wanted to do besides the game. In fact, you shared SO MUCH with me during the course of the game that I just couldn't help but feel invested in your lives. If I hadn't been hanging out with my eight-year-old son I could have just jumped right into your conversation and provided new, in depth analysis. Because while you were talking (loudly) in your little groups, I was getting to hear EVERY single conversation... and I think I really could have helped y'all out. It would have been the good thing to do, even, to reach out to you road-weary travelers and lend a conversational hand.
For example, Kim... Oh Kim. You seemed awfully excited to tell Pam about how things are going with Charlie. I'm really glad Charlie is finally getting his balls back... must have been terrifying for him to lose them. Oh, wait, no, Charlie is just starting to MAN up and treat you like a woman again, I get it now. It's been so hard on you while he's been working so hard and just, like, totally not wanting to get freaky during the day OR EVEN AT NIGHT. You have needs... we all understand this now. ALL of us. But hey, tonight Charlie took your panties and hid them so you'd have to go commando to the game and OH MY GOD HE IS BACK!
Except... while you were gone (hopefully working to avoid chafing in those jeans... ouch) Charlie was telling someone he would only call "Bro" that you were "sucking (him) dry... and not like I want it, Bro! Know what I'm sayin???" Trust me, Charlie... WE ALL KNEW WHAT YOU WERE SAYIN. You, Kim, are apparently wearing poor Charlie down to his last nerve and his last dollar. HE wanted to stay at a more reasonable hotel... but NO NO... KIM NEEDS THE HILTON. Kim wanted to go somewhere "nice" for lunch, Kim wanted a cute little rink bunny shirt for the game, KIM HAD THE FREAKING AUDACITY TO WANT TO A BEER FROM THE CONCESSION STAND!!!!!! "Look at this! Dude, I didn't spend this much on booze on New Years, Bro!" (SO beer was either REALLY expensive at the game or Charlie buys really cheap shit for his New Years parties). Charlie just can't do it anymore Kim... and he KNOWS you're going to want to go out for dinner after the game and HE CANT EVEN USE HIS NOODLES COUPON THAT JUST DROPPED FROM THE RAFTERS.
And Kim's probably going to be so chafed from those painted on jeans he's not even going to get any... AT NIGHT OR OTHERWISE.
It wasn't all about Kim and Charlie, though... Greg is trying to convince Pam to fly out to Denver so they can try recreational weed together. Pam, on the other hand, wants no part in it... she's a little worried about her "license or whatever...." Apparently things just AREN'T the same since they got married and Pam finished school. "Where's the adventure?" (The adventure was in your suitcase, big Greg.... Pam finally got the nerve to act on her Christian Grey addiction... you can't do THAT stoned, my friend. Well, others may, but according to Pam YOU specifically CAN NOT.
Meanwhile poor "Bro" can't get a word in edgewise, and Cindy? Cindy down on the end? Would someone PLEASE talk to her before she drinks another margarita and yell-slurs "USE THAT STICK!" again? Please?
I think about all of the misunderstandings and miscommunication I could have cleared up if I'd just followed my heart and stepped into your conversations. You were putting it out there... OBVIOUSLY you were searching for guidance. But alas, I instead spent my time distracting my 8 year old and mentally counting how many times Charlie could say "fuck" during the break after the second period (I counted 42, but I know I missed a few). So let me use this public forum to say this: Kim, Charlie- I suggest sitting down and having a good heart to heart. You guys obviously aren't on the same page... I'm not even sure you're in the same library. Kim, I suggest Groupon... Charlie seems like a real coupon and savings kinda guy.Also, corn starch. Greg, Pam... I, uh... hope it worked out and that the "adventure" is back. Bro- you have the patience of a saint. Someone get Cindy a friend. And Charlie... please buy better booze for your next party. Frugality has a time and place...
And next time? Consider talking a little freaking quieter. Not everyone needs to know the exact status of your douche canoe.
Love-
TPM.
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