Pinned

Did you know that if you do 50 jumping jacks, 5 push ups, 20 crunches, 30 mountain climbers, and a thirty second plank hold before EACH SHOWER, that you will lose 10 pounds of belly fat and gain a perfect six pack? And did you know you can turn a tablecloth from Target into a really awesome rug? AND did you know that you can bake a pan of blueberry oatmeal that will taste JUST as good on day six as on day ONE? And did you know that a little Elmer’s glue, a little Mod Podge, and a dash of glitter will turn you into Nate freaking Berkus… but hopefully with less leg hair.

I am convinced that somewhere in this great big world there is a little room, and in that room is a bitter little woman with nothing  but a laptop and an endless supply of coffee, posting and reposting thousands of ways that women can torture themselves for not being PP- Pinterest Perfect.

Pinterest is an evil bitch.

That's right, be jealous of my t-shirt scarf
and trendy glitter/paint glass ornament. 

I know of what I speak. How many nights have I, stooped in boredom, decided to just “take a glance”, just an itsy-bitsy glance at Pinterest, something to while away a few minutes while I wait for the dog to finish doing it’s nightly deed. Suddenly it’s 3am, the dog is pissed as hell out on the deck, and I’m twitching out as I pin yet another recipe I’ll never make or “upcycle” that will languish unfinished in my garage. I’m salivating over delectable baked goods I’ll never find the time to make,  adorable treats that will never be decorated (no matter how “super simple!” it is to turn a Milano cookie into a sheep).

It’s such a love/hate relationship, that Pinterest thing. Everything looks so easy! So simple! And so ECONOMICAL! Hit the thrift store and turn this busted down frame and handful of Jock Jams CDs into a wedding-worthy frame! A bottle of glue and two drops of food color will turn ordinary glass into delicate artwork! Crayons and a hairdryer? GENIUS! And glitter… my GOD THE GLITTER.   

Contagion: Craft Room
Nothing spreads like GLITTER....

(whomever said glitter was the herpes of the artwork really did herpes a grave disservice. This crap is everywhere and I can’t get rid of it. Glitter on silverware? Really? What the HELL was  I thinking? Who let me on the computer past two am again?)

When reality hits me I see Pinterest for what it is… a way to share ideas we’ll never follow up on, a way to pretend we have spare time and extra craftiness in our lives when, in reality, we’re lucky to take the time to match socks from the laundry. It’s the concept, the idea, the dream that somewhere there is a woman dressed in a perfectly matching palette, wearing her t-shirt fringe scarf lovingly crafted from one of her husband’s old upcycled vintage tees, her hair in a perfect fishbone braid she learned off a blog page, effortlessly planning two months worth of meals on a $50 budget (with heavy crock pot usage, natch) while redecorating her palatial home on a budget comprised of the spare change she found underneath her newly reupholstered sofa…. 

How does this HAPPEN? I think I have glitter in my EARS.

And maybe, just a little, we hope that this shows us the way- not necessarily for the perfect home, or the perfect marriage, or the perfect life (though hey, we aren't arguing if that's a byproduct)... but that somehow we can figure out just exactly how we can squeeze 30 hours worth of needs into a 24 hour day. Surely these scarf making, cupcake baking, canvas painting people know the secret, right? So even as we waste precious hours clicking and pinning and oohing and ahhhing, hours we don't really have... we can't stop. Somewhere in those pins likes The Answer, like a bedazzled Ark of the Convenant. 

Not that it will matter if we do figure it out, though. We’ll be too busy cleaning up all of this damned glitter. What the HELL?