Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Sydney

On May 20th, I got off of work early, strangely early. On the drive home, I was musing about some blog ideas for the upcoming summer. See, i'm always looking for a way to be better disciplined when it comes to writing, a way to make myself write more, post more. I thought I had it, an idea that could produce two, three pieces a week. 

And then everything changed. 

This is my first time logging into Blogger since the day the world turned upside down. Moore, Oklahoma may not have been where I was born or raised, but the nearly six years we lived there made it, undeniably, my hometown. My friends there are not just friends... they are family in all but name. Losing Sydney ... there aren't words. There weren't then, there aren't now. I don't know when there WILL be words. But I do know that I can't just jump back into writing without saying SOMETHING. So here it goes. Bear with me, friends. I'm a little rusty. 

I've thought of dozens of ways to take this on. I've come at it in anger, in frustration and rage. I've approached it from a place of emptiness, of desolation you can't see the end of. I've stared at the screen through tears and even the bottom of a beer bottle a time or two. When there aren't words, though, there aren't words. Language has always been my closest friend, but for the first time in my life it has left me these past 57 days. Eventually, though, you have to look for the words, find them in whatever way you can. You (and by 'you' I mean 'me'.... YOU can do whatever the hell stirs your cornflakes, friends.) have to find whatever voice remains, no matter how cracked or broken or hesitant.

And frankly, if I didn't... I have a feeling Sydney would be PISSED. After all, she was never one to mince words, never one to hold back... regardless of the outcome :)

It's things like that, thinking about Syd's point-blank assessments, that brought my hands to the keyboard. Because as angry as I am and as broken hearted as I am.... I am so damned grateful. I can't ignore it anymore. Every time another story, another picture, another memory pops to the surface I am just... I'm just grateful that I was blessed enough to be a part of Syd's life, and she a part of mine. It's this tiny, irritating little nugget that pushes its way through the sadness, demanding I pay it attention. With every story that is told, every picture that I find, every memory that plays through my head in full HD... it gets a little bigger. A little brighter. Demanding, like she might, my full attention.

I figure I have two choices. One- I can ignore it, shove it down, deal with it another day. Or B- I can accept it. I can accept it, even embrace it, and let it shine a little brighter. So there it is. I'm grateful. I'm grateful that her Mom chose me to do newborn portraits, starting our friendship. I'm grateful for messy diapers that had to be changed while she flipping squirmed all over the place, blowing raspberries the whole while. I'm grateful for every playdate and babysitting opportunity, for Halloween nights and first day of school walks that made my youngest truly believe that we were actually related. For Christmas villages and manger scenes that turned into Army outposts complete with snipers in the manger. For rolling eyes. For every argument I refereed, for every stuffed animal that ended up lodged under my butt (no matter HOW MUCH I CHECKED UNDER THE BLANKETS!) when I'd stay the night. For llamas and emus that needed "kisses". For arguments over lifejackets in wave pools and laughter over waterslides. For every time I had to watch just ONE MORE music clip from a Disney movie or series.... for all of it.... I am grateful.

But I am also greedy, and it wasn't enough. It won't ever be enough. How could it be?








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